As I spend some time reflecting today on our first holiday without the physical presence of Bella I wanted to share with you some of my thoughts.
Over the past few months I have found that there is nothing consistent about grief. It is ever changing and ever present from moment to moment and day to day. Today I was thinking that grief is like the ocean. There are times when it seems so calm and inviting, to completely submerge yourself into it could bring rejuvenation and clarity. You allow yourself to grieve openly on those days, you allow yourself to remember, to talk and to long for because you know you are safe to do so. There are other times when it is stormy and choppy, the red flag waving and warning you that if you go there you risk being swallowed whole so you stand on the shore of safety and occasionally stick in your toe to test the waters.
Today was a day where I was unsure of what the ocean may bring but I dived in head first taking flowers to Bella's grave site, looking at photos and listening to songs that reminded me of her. I needed to submerge myself into it and hope for the best. I needed her. As I sat at her grave and thought of the Easter baskets that would go unfilled, the many beautiful Easter dresses that I longed to buy and the family gatherings that would go unattended by her I was washed away, going further and further into a sea of grief. The memories, the longing and the pain crashing into me and pulling me under. And just when I thought I might be swallowed whole He saved me again. Sending a raft of realization that all of the things that I want to give to her and do for her pale in comparison to the many gifts that she is now receiving in heaven and sometimes shares with me on Earth. Realizations that the overwhelming beauty of the Easter service that filled my heart and gave me an understanding of the true meaning like never before, the tears of happiness that I wept because of this new understanding, the amazing view that I beheld later that day while lying on a rock by a waterfall with my husband as the sun peaked thru the trees and the beautiful Easter lillies that decorated the church given by our friends in her memory and now will continue to grow in our yard....these are the gifts that take the place of the Easter traditions that I long to share. These gifts are enough for today and are a testament that God's grace is sufficient.
So back on the shore of safety I am a little worn, a little beaten but now that I have faced the storms and submerged myself into the ocean of grief I can fully enjoy the view, the calmness of the waters again and the peace of the sunset.
Hoping that all of your Easter celebrations were peace filled and the beauty of the true meaning touched your hearts like never before.
Much love to you all