The NICU experience...8 months later

Well it has been obvious that the posts to the blog have been few and far between these days. I could easily blame this on lack of time however the past week has shed some light on what may have really been going on...
The initial blog was started by Chris to inform everyone of the ever changing status of Bella's journey. However over time it morphed into my perspective on Bella's journey, God's ever present hand and an outlet for me to vent or express emotions that I do not allow myself to express or sometimes feel while at her bedside. When she is present the only energy we allow ourselves to pour into her is that of hope. For many, many months the emotions and the words flowed when I would sit down to write. Then they stopped. Maybe I couldn't get past the many walls that one must build to tolerate hearing the same regurigitated prognosis without completely breaking down. Maybe it was God's way of helping me to function in our situation. Maybe I just had no words. All I know now is that I feel an "awakening." An awakening physically, spiritually and mentally. I can't do it justice with words but for the first time in months I am alive.
With this awakening I hear music that in the past I have loved and it hits me again in a whole new way. I find myself needing physical activity, needing to feel my body getting stronger and healthier. I find myself craving, absolutely craving, the company of my husband. Not as my "relief" but as my companion. I have an awareness of the moments that I need to just really absorb and soak up without the guilt of feeling like I need to be somewhere else. I am mesmerized by Dylan's laughter and Bella's smiles. My prayer and meditation times have become so incredibly deep and personal that I can hear the Lord speaking to me and I can feel His hand upon me.
With this new awakening also comes "flashbacks." Parts of the past 8 months that maybe I wasn't ready to deal with at the time. Maybe my mind is just able to process what happened. The flashbacks hit like bricks and are so clear in my head that I am right there again. Specifically the night that Bella was born. Her previous caretakers know this because it is in our charts and we have discussed but to this date I have never mentioned this to anyone else. Maybe putting it out there now will help me to lay it to rest or draw some strength from it when it surfaces. Most of you know that I was on hospital bedrest for a very brief period of time before her arrival. The day that Bella was born I was told that I was very stable for my condition and that things looked good for the moment.(maybe it was at this time that I became a skeptic of diagnosis) At about 6:50 pm that night I got up to go to the bathroom. That is when Bella was born. I was alone in the bathroom when she came. Luckily I was able to pull the red string by the toilet and they responded in a matter of minutes. But until they arrived I held her in my hands. I could feel her tiny feet kicking and all I could think was that I had lost my daughter. All I had heard was that babies are not viable until 24 weeks, she was 22 weeks and 4 days. Much of what happened afterwards is a blur to me as I lost a great amount of blood and was in and out until they got it to stop just moments before taking me to the OR. I very clearly remember the agony of thinking that I had lost her. It was a pain like I had never ever felt before in my entire life. I remember the Nurse Practioner coming to our bedside and telling us that Bella was alive for now. I remember her saying that Bella's heartbeat was strong and they wanted to give her the chance that she deserves to survive. I remember her telling us that the chances were less than 5 % that she would make it thru the night. I remember refusing pain medicines so that I would be awake to see her. I remember seeing her for the first time. There was no shock for me as to the many many devices that were attached to her. I just remember that when they allowed me to place my finger in her hand that she grasped her fingers around it. It was at that moment that I knew as a mother she was fighting to stay alive. It was at that time that I knew that if she was fighting then I would fight for her. It is the memory that comes into my head when I hear unfavorable diagnosis about her future. It is the memory that carries me thru each day.
So the flashbacks are heavy. They are crippling when they come. But in some weird way they are allowing me to feel again, to live again. The "awakening" is life having a whole new set of eyes and ears. It is so incredible that I truly feel blessed to be in out situation.
Well the NICU 8 months later...I can't say it gets any easier. It doesn't, in all honesty it gets harder. The reality sets in that this is not a temporary situation, your whole world has changed forever. Close personal relationships change as those that love you battle with the helplessness of not being able to help you or some become overwhelmed with it in general so they pull away. God balances this with the amazing support of strangers and the constant support of old or new found friends & family. But for me at least I see life more clearly, I value life more dearly and I know with no uncertainty that there is a God that loves each and everyone of us. His love is so unconditional and ever present that He can and will carry us thru any hardship in our life. I know that I could never ever do this without Him.
8 months later I feel more alive than I felt going into this. I feel more certain of our path and more appreciative of our past. There are days where the walls start closing in but with the flashbacks of what could have happened it stops and you just appreciate it for what it is now.
I am certain a good therapist would lable this as "post traumatic stress disorder" But I like to think that this is simply " walking humbly with thy Lord"
Thank you for being my therapists, our prayer warriors, our advocates and most hopefully our Brother and Sisters in Christ.

Much love to all
Telisha